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Dig away at my fragile skin
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| Friends Only... |
[08 Jan 2004|10:46pm] |
Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight
♥♥♥
Friends Only
just comment, and i'll add you..♥
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| quiet is my loudest cry..<3 |
[08 Jan 2004|03:37pm] |
well, i just got home
i'm pretty bored
and i think a little hungry
oh dear, alot happened today..
some good, some bad, and yet so unbelievable.
after i wrote that entry..
well i got some comments, and i thank you:)
and then i let jay read it
not to hurt him
and not to be a bitch
but to make him open his eyes
and maybe to make him realize he's an ass..
egh, so he called last night
we talked for what seemed forever
it was only 5 hours or so..
it was like the old times
but we faught/disagreed alot.
that's us.
i got alot out of him
it made me feel better
and then his phone died..
i didn't fall asleep really</b>
Jay..
i'm sorry the entry hurt you
but i did it for your own good
you needed to know..
maybe the part about you using me for sex was out of line
but it's my feelings, and i'd appreciate if you'd respect them..
i just wish you'd open your eyes..
oh, and this "i never told lindsay" deal
drop it, be honest. i know you did
it bothers me, but whatever it's done and over with
hmm, well if anything exciting happens
i'll write about it..
farewell..<3
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| and the pain has cut too deep...♥ |
[07 Jan 2004|12:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 curious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Avondale ♥ Yellowcard |
] |
I need to get some shit off my chest
because if i don't it will bother me forever
and honestly, i don't feel like breaking down!
i always keep shit inside, and why the hell should i?
Justin
he's my biggest problem
he's the only thing keeping me from being happy
and everyone knows it
how come it's so hard for me to face it
he even knows he fucked my life up
what i don't get, is if he knows...why does he still do it?
it makes absolutely no sense at all
maybe he's right, maybe he is fucked up
but i hate saying that
because it wasn't all him
i always went back, i was stupid enough
i never listenend
and this time, it wasn't even about going back to him
it was his god damn games
that i always fell for
and this past friday, i fell for it again
i mean why does he tear me apart?
what did i ever fucking do to the kid
loved him more then anyone
tried being there
or just fucking cared more then anyone ever will?
it doesn't make fucking sense
okay, so from last year until now
i haven't completely known who i am
and it scares me to think my life lays in his hands
because he's so good a crushing people..
to begin with
last year, i know he only dated me to forget amy
i'm not fucking blind
and he said he loved me, yeah fucking right
he doesn't know what love is
if he loved me, why is he dating lindsay and possibly fucking her?
the day the kid knows what love is
is the day i'm laying in my grave
does he give a fuck that he hurt me, most likely not
the kid doesn't have a heart
he's a heartless bastard, and cares only about himself
i never expected anything out of him, probably like lindsay does right now
i never judged him (except with the treehugger, but it was funny)
i never once tried to make him feel low
and i always protected the fuck towards my friends
i lost allie to him last year
and people would've thought i'd realize what i was doing, and i didn't.
he'll never fucking get it, i don't know if i want him to
i think it's much more for him to understand
Friday needs to be brought up
he called here
out of nowhere
i was expecting andrew
but it was him and mike
of course, he was drunk
he's a fucking alcoholic.
that scares me, alot.
anyways he was asking me why i broke up with him repeatidly
(the reason is, because you haven't changed. not at all, and you never cared)
and then he told me that the only reason he dated lindsay was to make me jealous
(i'm flattered you tried so hard, but that right there shows how much a fucking prick you are. what kind of guy dates some random girl to make his ex girlfriend jealous. GROW UP JAY, seriously.)
he also told me that he didn't know why he was dating lindsay, she treated him like shit
( haha okay, for someone to say that and had her to his house not even a week later makes me sick. basically, you make me sick:) you don't care about anyone...if you didn't like her so much, what did monday mean? LOOKING FOR A PIECE??? yeahhh:\ )
he kept telling me he cared about me
(some way of showing it, thank you.)
kept asking me if i remebered the "good times"
(i do, i'm not going to lie. i also remember the bad times, those i remember more...thank you for treating me like shit for the four years, i enjoyed it.)
he said he had something to tell me but he couldn't
( all i have to say is, i have a pretty good idea what it is and he should take that and shove it in his ass. it means nothing to me)
and then he cried.
( it made me feel bad, but come on...how many times have i cried for you???)
he said he wanted to be more then "just friends"
(ugh)
so yeah, monday i found out he likes to tell everyone
so i thought, i'd fill everyone in on him
i never expected this from him
i thought he was something better
i guess i was wrong, that hurts..
i mean would you expect from someone that says he "cares" so fucking much
to tell his girlfriend something completely personal
that makes me fucking wonder
has he told her about my past?
if he did, i hope he dies
seriously
if he ever told ANYONE about that
he can get hit by a truck
because i would no longer care for him.
and right now
considering the facts that i shouldn't
i care for him, more than i care for myself.
i'm debating on whether to show him this or not
because in a way, he should know
but in another he shouldn't
you never know when the dick's going to show someone
i knew he was an ass, but why must he prove it right
i still can't believe he told people about that piece of paper:\
the other night, i layed in bed
and i normally do this everynight
i shut off my tv, turn on my side facing the wall, and close my eyes
but i usually think alot
and that night, i thought about him
about everything
i started a notebook
explaining everything
from 6th grade until now
and i don't know if i want to give it to him, or burn it..
he wouldn't get it anyways, nor would he care.
sometimes, i wish we were back together
and i wish he'd hold me like he used to
and speak all the lies he told so well
but then i open my eyes, and realize it's never going to happen
i thought this last time i said yes to him
we'd be happy, and we'd last
i guess i was wrong, and only lying to myself
because the same shit happened
i often wondered if he dated me for sex
because thats all he ever talked about..
egh, whatever
i'll write later or something..
<3
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| saying goodbye, for good..<3 |
[06 Jan 2004|03:36pm] |
well it's a snowday
and i got my computer fixed last night
WHOOP WHOOP:)
so alot has happened..
friday
nothing exciting happened
i slept in until 4:30
and i just layed around all night
around one jay and mike called
jay was drunk, of course
and we talked
basically i guess it was the alcohol talking
because he same a number of things to me
1: he asked me why we broke up
2: told me that he only went out with lindsay to make me jealous
3: he cried on the phone with me
4: he had something to tell me but he couldn't and he said that if he did i'd tell him it was only the alcohol talking (DAMN STRAIGHTTTT)
5: he said he wanted to be more then "just friends"
so now, he can kill himself
he lied to me, and fucked me over again:)
Saturday
i babysat at 6 until 11
and then talked to shawn all night:)
nicole came home
sunday
slept in
then brought nicole home
monday
uhm school was okay
jay talked to me, i didn't like it
i got my braclets back from him
saw him and lindsay
and personally for someone that says he's using her
and that he didn't like her and he wanted to break up with her
he had a good way of pretending
so i got kinda weird
and then going to the bus becca asks me something
ONLY JAY WOULD KNOW
which means JAY TOLD LINDSAY
and i got mad and freaked out
called him, he denied it and i told him he was dead to me
so that was that
talked to my favorite hoe last night<3
then went to bed...!!!
Today
i woke up an hour ago
talked to tara
and now i'm here
talking to my <3, ian of course!!!
i'll write later
<333
OOHH OHHH can someone help me with my layout, pleaseeeee:(
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| in too deep<3 |
[01 Jan 2004|11:01pm] |
well, things aren't perfect?
funny eh? yeah.
i don't get it
ugh, i was doing so good
and then some asshole comes around
and has to ruin everything
because what? he's a douchebag
i seriously can say i hate him
i know i said i hated jay before
but i always knew i didn't
but i hate ANDY
he's one of those people that can die and no one would care
okay, that was heartless but fuck it
he's such a dickhead
i'm sorry i ever met the kid
and jesus christ
since when did he start sticking up for jay
he used to always talk shit about him
someday he's going to be alone
because i know there are other people that he pisses off..
anyways..
Last night
well me and sara hung out until 5ish
then went to tara's
got food from p n c
and then ordered pizza
played a few board games
uhm shawn came over
we just fucked around
then around 10:30 ian called
me and sara went to go get him
and froze our asses off for him
but it's okay...i <3 him:)
we got back to tara's
messed around and shit
uhm i beat the shit out of ian
he loved it.
but i accidently kicked him in the balls:(
ehh
uhm the ball dropped, i missed it
it wasn't a big deal!
around 12:30 shawn left
we played more games
and around 3ish he came back
him and ryan were there until 6
i was dead half the time
i got really sick
i don't think i'll drink anymore, thank you.
Today
we woke up around 10:30
mike caught us
and we just hung out
then donna came, and ehhh:\
i came home around 4ish
my dad and i brought mike to dj's
and then around 7:45 chris came
I simply adore Christopher Eric Lewis
it was just us, and we talked
i actually talked about alot
and he talked to me about alot too..
he's a really good friend, i <3 him!
came home around 9:30
uhm douchebag IMed me
and i've been pissed off since then!
everytime i don't see or hear you
it feels like you're slipping farther and farther away
and i'm wondering if i'm losing you
or if it's just my immagination
sometimes i wish it was just my immagination...<3
<3<3<3
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| Why won't I let you die...(directed towards sara) |
[01 Jan 2004|02:48am] |
Ten Bands that rock your socks
1. Taking Back Sunday
2. From Autumn To Ashes
3. Armor For Sleep
4. Across Five Aprils
5. The Ataris
6. Sugarcult
7. Keepsake
8. The Get Up Kids
9. Something Corporate
10. Saves the Day
Nine Things You're Looking Forward To:
1. Staying a vegitarian
2. killing sara<3
3. getting out of oswego
4. graduating high school
5. getting away from jay
6. getting a plug
7. finding a new guy to like (even though i did already)
8. Going to college
9. Getting a Job
Eight Things You Wear Daily
1. undies
2. my barbie watch
3. the braclet ian gave me...and others
4. pretty socks
5. my big bra
6. pants
7. socks
8. a little white tank top (to hide my boobs)
Seven Things That Annoy You
1. SaraJessie</b> and trish)
5. little kids
6. when people say they're sorry even though they're not
7. Sara again
Six Things You Touch Every Day
1. sara
2. the phone
3. my fingernails
4. my eyeball;)
5. my face
6. my hair
Five Things You Do Every Day
1. fight with sara
2. bitch about something
3. smoke a cigarette
4. sleep
5. eat
Four People You'd Want to Spend More Time With
1. Danielle
2. Ian
3. Grace
4. Chris
Three Movies You Could Watch Over and Over
1. Love and Basketball
2. Dazed and Confused
3. Good Fellas
Two Of Your Favorite Songs At This Moment
1. I.O.U One Galaxy
2. You're so last summer
One Person You Could Spend the Rest of Your Life With
1. sara<33333 (even though we fight everyday;)
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| i know i'm wrong but i can't help from believing..♥ |
[30 Dec 2003|04:59pm] |
i'm so fucking bored
today has been an okay day
but tonight's probably going to be shitty
i want sara to come over, but her mom won't bring her
ugh:(
last night was interesting
tara came over for the night
we ordered legally blonde two
it's ditzy, but i actually liked it!
then we went in my room and listened to Armor for sleep
and from autumn to ashes
and i wrote
and got jay's christmas present together
i faught with him last night too!
it doesn't phase me, it's wonderful
him dana and andy honestly don't make a difference in my life
i could care less if jay died
i'd cry if dana did...because there's still a little dana left in him
and andy, i don't know..
tara fell asleep kinda early last night
well early for me;)
i watched From dusk till dawn
me and douche used to watch that
it's a good movie i guess
then i fell asleep around four..
today, i woke up around 11
got in the shower
and ready around 1
then lola came around 2
and we went driving with her all over
i forgot my bag for jay
eh well, maybe if sara comes over we'll bring it over:)
then we went to wendys
two more days, i'll be a vegitarian
No not a jay, not a vegan
oh and another thing
i found out i'm part canadian, i want to hang myself:(
Ian John Courtney is my favorite and i ♥ him
And also, william henry sharkey makes my life bright..
I'm stuck between two angels and a dreamm...♥
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| Don't it always seem to go, you don't know what you've got until it's gone... |
[29 Dec 2003|01:10am] |
Lately everything's been messed up
i've been in a good mood and all
but it's not real or something
like, lets say i'm around people
i'm in the best mood, always laughing and shit
and when i'm home, i'm rahhhing everyone and wishing them dead
does that mean i have split personalities?
it's kind of scary, but oh well..
Sara Elizaebeth Slight♥
well we've been hanging out a lot this year
we haven't faught once, which is shocking
i at least fight with one of my friends
she's a loser, and she always makes me laugh (only because she is a loser)
we seem to always find a way to entertain ourselves!
well, she's a lousy piece of shit and i love her!!!
i'm extremely bored
i'm only talking to sara, roger, and grace
and yet, i'm still bored
ohohohohohohohohoh!!!! i found that song that chris listens to, wooohhoo!! i'm addicted to it now, it's so pretty:)
i'm going to the mall later on today with miss sara slight<3
and my sister's finally going back home, woohoo freedom...
and my room will finally be clean
ohhhhh don't it always seem to go
you don't know what you've got until it's gone
they paved paradie
put up a parking lot
shoooooo bop bop bop bop
okay, farwell.<3
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| You cut me like razorblades..<3 |
[25 Dec 2003|11:13pm] |
well I would be sitting here
pretty fucking bored
nicole's sleeping
and mike, well mike's away from me thank god!
hmm so alot kinda happened today
i got alot
my dickies bag, i wanted it soo bad
and this cute tilt bag, i love it!
also the taking back sunday cd i wanted, i love them.
i got basically everything i wanted but one thing..
and no, it's not jay if you think it is.
i'm actually doing good without him, and im happy..
tomorrow, im supposed to maybe hang out with chris, sara, and shawn
and i know i'm most likely going to sara's for the night.
i love those three people..my misses clawses<3
anyways..( here's a long quiz i stole from megan )
Hm, that was deff long..I couldn't find a song that started with a "X", except for "X gonna give it to you" and I hate rap...so if anyone finds or knows a song that starts with a "X", please inform me!
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| Merry Christmas♥ |
[25 Dec 2003|06:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cheerful |
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| [ |
music |
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I won't spend another night alone ♥ The Ataris |
] |
Well I haven't written in a while
but since i got this back i'll update occasionally:)
since i wrote this is what happened..
hmm, well the last time i wrote was the 10th
alot happened
the 11th, i dumped jay(thank you god!)
the 12th was my birthday
i wasn't extremely happy, but whatever
13th i went to billy's games with tara and grace
jay was at both of them
the second one he was with lindsay
i guess they're going out now
i feel kinda bad for her, but whatever..
uhm school went really good the next week
last friday, i went to tara's with sara
got drunk with shawn
saturday came home and slept all day
sunday, around 7ish sara shawn and chris came and got me
we rode around forever
decorated tara's:)
uhm came home midnight
monday, went to the mall with the family
then around 4:30 went back up to the mall with chris and shawn
met chris's friend
hung out around the mall
got a cd from shawn
a journal, patch, and braclets from tara
then went to jays to get money to get cigarettes
got stuck, it was hell
tuesdaywent to tara's with sara again
yesterday uhm came home, went places with my dad
uhm faught with my mom..
today it was okay
i want to leave though..
tomorrow maybe, the misses clawses are getting together!:)
I'll write sometime later or tomorrow♥
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| Stole this from Grace<3 |
[23 Dec 2003|08:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crazy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Empty Apartment <3 Yellowcard |
] |
1) Using band names, spell out your name
S Saves the day
A Across Five Aprils
M Matchbook Romance
A A Perfect Circle
N North Star
T Taking Back Sunday
H Hot Hot Heat
A All American Rejects (for sara)
2) Have you ever had a song written about you? Not by anyone special;-)
3) What song makes you cry? Konstantine
4) What song makes you happy? Anything by Across Five Aprils or From Autumn To Ashes
5) What do you like to listen to before bed? Usually I watch Tv.
PT. II
a p p e a r a n c e
HEIGHT: 5'5
HAIR COLOR: Brown
SKIN COLOR:white
EYE COLOR: Blue
PIERCINGS: 2
TATTOOS: none
r i g h t n o w
WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: pink
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: Everything I do, I do it for you. Only because it was in Pretty Boy's info:-*
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: Chedder Cheese
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: It's actually nice, but there's snow
HOW ARE YOU? good.
d o y o u
GET MOTION SICKNESS?:Not usually
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: Yeup
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: Not really, they should burn;)(just kidding)
LIKE TO DRIVE?: Hahaha not legally.
f a v o r i t e s
TV SHOW:Family Guy
CONDITIONER: Pantene Pro-v
BOOK: Cut and A Child Called It
MAGAZINE: Don't know.
NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Mountain Dew
ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Vodka straight or green apple smirnoff.
THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: hang out
BAND OR GROUP or SINGER or RAPPER: From Autumn To Ashes
h a v e y o u
BROKEN THE LAW: of course.
RAN AWAY FROM HOME: Ran to Jay's...doesn't count he's a loser.
SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: Haha of course.
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: Nope.
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: Yeah.
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: Yes, with Shawn in it.
USED YOUR PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE: No.
SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: Yes.
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: No.
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: Elementary School.
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: yeah
l o v e
BOYFRIEND: nope
GIRLFRIEND: no
SEXUALITY: Straight.
CHILDREN: nope
CURRENT CRUSH: nope
BEEN IN LOVE?: nope
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: nope
BEEN HURT?: nope
YOUR GREATEST REGRET: nothing
GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS: not only three days...
r a n d o m
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: nope
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: Armor For Sleep
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: Black
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: Watching people suffer(just kidding) music and friends
WHO MAKES YOU THE HAPPIEST?: Sara, Tara, Danielle, Shawn, Chris, Andy, many more.
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: Takihng Back Sunday and Sugarcult
WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?: Sara, Tara, Grace, Danielle, Andy, Shawn, Chris, uhm more..
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?: Listen to Music, hang out with scumbags, and be around Chris he seems to make me happy!
w h e n / w h a t w a s t h e l a s t
TIME YOU CRIED?: I don't ever cry
YOU GOT A REAL LETTER?:The other day, uhm last week
YOU GOT E-MAIL: I don't know..
THING YOU PURCHASED: Christmas shitt...
TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: Lizzie Mcguire
MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER: idk
y o u r t h o u g h t s o n
ABORTION: no.
TEENAGE SMOKING: i do it, it's gross but it's a bad habbit.
SPICE GIRLS: I hated them.
DREAMS: suck
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| So finally my dream has come true...♥♥ |
[10 Dec 2003|07:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
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awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Clumsy ♥ Our Lady Peace |
] |
Well I haven't written in a while
Only because I'm deff grounded from the computer
For the rest of my life basically;)
Okay, after the last time i wrote sara was at my house
I think Thanksgiving was the last time i wrote
well i stole the truck that night with sara and got busted..
it deff sucked...me and her aren't allowed to hang out anymore
her mom hates me and i don't think my mom likes her that much:(
but since then that friday i went to tara's
hung out with joel eric shawn and jarin and steve
shawn came back around 12 to hang out with us
Saterday Woke up got ready walked to price chopper got ALOT of food then hung out around her living room until Joel Andy And Dana came over...they left around midnight and then we passed out..Sunday we slept all day... Tara woke up around 2 and I woke up around 4...went home around 5ish or so...
School
It hasnt' been that interesting
Everyone's sick around here
Dana was out for a week
Joel was in the hospital
And Jay was out for a week...
Wednesday
Mom and dad went to a wrestling meet
So Jay came over and hung out with me
Thursday
We started going out..
I don't think alot of people are happy with it
but I am, so honestly i think that's what counts.
Friday
Tara came over
Shawn and Andy stopped by for a few, i adore andrew!
Me and tara watched Strangeland It's a good movie
Then Jay called around 11 and I talked with him until like 3
Sunday
Got up around 12
went to Justin, Dana, and Billy's hockey game with grace
(They lost)
then went over to the show around 3:30
Jay and Ian were there
But Jay ignored me for a while
I got pretty mad, but oh well
The bands were good
A Noble Desire was the best I must say
(even though i got hit in the arm)
I spent alot of time outside
I just needed to get away
Ian bit me
And then jay changed into "sweet jay"
I don't know...went home around 6:30..
Monday
School was okay
Jay was here at least
And I like seeing him..
Went straight home after and slept alot
Didn't really talk to jay that much, we actually faught..
Yesterday
Went to school
It was good
Jay was being normal, unlike the night before
Luke knows somethings now
he knows im dating jay
im sure he's kinda upset but ehhh..
went home
then went to shawns to get my global:)
came home and slept until 8
then talked to shawn and ryan
called jay
he was smoking again
ehh..
Today
well considering it's only first im alright
i was supposed to go on that trip but nahhh;)
I need to be prepared for my test tomorrow.
I want Jay to come over after school but im sure he wont
I'll write later.
love you.♥♥
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| I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt..♥ |
[27 Nov 2003|01:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Voice Within ♥ Slutbag. |
] |
Well everything's a mess
I don't know where to begin, I'm so confused
It's like this passed week has been a living nightmare!
Danielle
Okay, shit's so messed up
I wish everything was fucking normal, and she was home (at her fucking dad's)
I miss her, and no one completely understands how much
She's the only thing on my mind, well besides jay too.
Monday was the worst day of my life, sunday came close
Monday i sat in front of her locker and broke down
in front of everyone, i should've killed ryan
I hate her mom, and i hope when she gets out she goes with her dad..
UGHHHHH!!!
Sara</>
We've been hanging out alot lately
sticking by each other, and trying not to do anything stupid
But i ruined that, go go sam!
we seem to entertain ourselves by the stupidist shit..
she's coming over tonight, woohoo!
I love her! ♥
Andrea (andy)
Okay, i fucking adore him
he's been so much help lately
everyhting that's going on, he makes me laugh
he's one of the funniest kids i know
and it's good to know him.
we have some good memories!
I love him!♥
Justin
Oh jesus here we go..
i miss him, it's not that he's not here...
he's here physically
but not mentally
i can see him, hear him, and talk to him
but i don't clearly understand him
i miss everyhting that went on between me and him
what the hell am i going to do with him away
i wake up every morning smiling because i know i'll see him
and i go to bed evernight smiling because i get off the phone with him
i love him, he knows it
i can't just not, it's not possible
last night, he hugged me
i didn't know what to do
i didn't want to let go, but i had to.
it hurts me to watch me hurt him
with everything that's going on, i know i hurt him
i feel like shit knowing he has to worry about what im doing.
ugh i love him.....:(
Today's thanksgiving
thanks for what
sending danielle away?
kicking jay out?
the shittiest life of mine?
yeah, fucking thanks!
I'll write whenever..
I love you.♥
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| Fuck you:) |
[24 Nov 2003|08:37am] |
I'm shawn's because we decided to leave
after i made a complete fucking ass out of myself
why the fuck did i break down, erggg!
i ahte fucking ryan, i hope he dies!
Hmmm had to get that off my chest!
we're going back soon!
i need to take a fucking test!
Mwahaha, i hope he dies!
I'm out, bye!
i love you
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| I want to wither away... |
[24 Nov 2003|02:38am] |
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mood |
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 gloomy |
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music |
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A slow descent - Straylight Run |
] |
Okay, i can't fucking sleep at all
I'm talking to andy, because he's my hero
so much shit is running through my head
i want it to fade away, i want to run away
i can't run away from this
i still feel it's my fault, no matter what anyone says
and it should be me going
i told jay how i wanted to
and he's the only thing stopping me
and then he says i don't fucking respect him
what kind of fucking bullshit is that
HELLO IF I DON'T ADMITT MYSELF SOMEWHERE BECAUSE THEY WOULD BLAME YOU, I FUCKING RESPECT YOU....Erg!
"if you love me as much as you say you do, you'd stop"
i seriously hate when he pulls that
because i can't fucking run away
i love him, and he knows it
so he uses it against me.
tonight has been the worst night
it was good hearing his voice
and when i wasn't on the phone with him
i was listening to him singing
because somehow he comforts me
even though he's mean to me
i feel like im breaking down again
and they're going to blame him, FUCKING ASSHOLES
he's the best thing in my life, besides my friends
i need him, so idk..
I'm so lost
i want out
i want to be fucking happy
i want danielle home, happy
i want jay happy, and not always saying he's fucked up
i want fucking andy being an asshole
i want everyone getting along
i want everything perfect
i want too much, and i'll never get it!
Stuck standing alone
Nowhere to turn or run
I finally have to face you
My biggest fear, my biggest regret
Tears swell up my eyes
As I beg for you to go away
Your lips move
I can't hear a thing
You shattered me with your two green eyes
Broken promises, heartless lies
A dozen thoughts race through my mind
Runaway, never look back
Over and over again
The thoughts of you fade
I reach out, but you're gone
How could you leave me
My life was all about you
You come back day after day
I let you in and pretend it's okay
Sooner or later the game will get old
Then you will have no one to have and to hold...
I love you.
Danielle, i love you too! I already miss you. UGH I'm SO FUCKING SORRY!!
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| Everything falls apart..♥ |
[23 Nov 2003|11:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Away from me * Puddle Of Mud |
] |
Well I'm on the phone with Andy and Jay
I can't sleep
I'm wicked fucking upset.
It should be me going, not her.
RYAN NEEDS TO DIE
i fucking hate everyone
until danielle comes home, im not going to smile
at all, i promise.
I can't, it's my fault she's gone
If i would've never gone down there, she wouldn't be going anywhere
I hate myself!!!!!!!!
Andy and Jay are making fun of black people
And I guess it's towards me, for being a NMW
Fuck you:)
i hope everyone dies!
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[23 Nov 2003|01:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
] |
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music |
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Handsome boy ♥ Saves the day |
] |
♥well alot of shit has happened lately and there's not fucking changing it. I wish i could, i wish i could Just be there but i know that's fucking impossible. Well since i wrote last, i haven't really done anything. Friday, sara spent the night. We walked to jays and visited. They were being extra special:) then we came back, grace came over...we ordered pizza and watched the lion king. then went to bed. Grace left early, i don't know what time...and sara left around 1...around 4:30 i got dropped off at sara's and we went downtown. walked to danielles to check on her and talked to her mom. she's still a bitch, i don't understand why though. after that we went to the bookstore to read some notes, and i showed sara some of my favorite poems:) Then we saw Andy and Joel, hung out with them...went all over. Andy made everything better. I hate it when he's all down. He doesn't call me petey anymore:( But he says "we're fighting, you know why" all the time and it makes em smile! around 7:30 me and sara went back to her house, called my dad and he came and got me.. Came home and talked to danielle, and douchebag...then sara called around midnight...talked to her for a long time...we were basically entertaining ourselves, like usual! I'm not doing anything at all today, woohoo!!!
Danielle
I fucking care so much about her, and her mom thinks i don't. I don't understand, i hate when she's in pain. It probably hurts me more then it hurts her. I don't want her like me at all. I don't know...
Sara
Oh jesus, the girls a disaster;) "shut up you're fat" "i hope you die, fall of four cliffs and kill yourself" "It would take 3 to get him down" "fuck me twice seven times" ohhhh dear the girl's crazy! We haven't faught once, from the 2 years we've been friends! I fucking adore her!!!! "Sayyyyyyy goodddbyyyeeeee, sweeeettt tomooorrrrooowwwww"!!!! I love her!
Well i'm going to go, i'll write sometime
You're barely missing me,
I'm missing you.
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| Grounded from the computer for 5 weeks, woohoo!♥ |
[17 Nov 2003|02:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 distressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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A million miles to montreal ♥ Across Five Aprils |
] |
Well I'm in school right now
This will be the last time i write unless im at a friends
Bad grades= no computer..
Bastards!
another thing that sucks is, the sweatshirt dealy
im going to joel's tonight though and getting the address!
well anyways, my weekend..
Friday♥
Well me and Sara walked over to A-Plus
to see if Tom was there,and he was
And then ran into andy and chris
which worked out good because chris brought us to Shawn's
we hung out with shawn until 10 then went back to sara's
talked with her mom fpr about ever
and then watched little secrets
only i passed out during it..
shawn beat the shit out of us
i have bruises upon bruises, eh oh well.
Saterday♥
Woke up around noon
layed around until 3
got in the shower
and we left around 4:45
went to NYP
ate, and then walked to where we were babysitting
watched movies, i hung out with the oldest
watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
and then around 11 their mom came home
walked back to sara's got our shit
went to tara's
walked to Jon's
met his friend, he's okay looking but not hott:)
uhm left there around 11:30
went to Price Chopper and got shit..
Went back to tara's
ate, watched movies
finally got to see Identity, it was really good
they fell asleep around 2:30ish
i fell asleep around 3:30ish
Sunday♥
Woke up around 12
got ready
went to the hockey game
they lost, of course;)
uhm saw mr ozman(justin)
and willis and donna..(billy and dana)
uhm the game was over around 2ish
walked back to tara's
watched lilo and stitch
and then lion king
i fell asleep
then we played a game with the girls
ate dinner, went home..
got home and my dad took the computer away,i hate him
so i talked to sara and danielle on the phone
found out some disturbing information
called the figure
and screamed and went physco
no more information provided, not anyone's buisness. Not even mine but obviously it's going to fucking bother me.. but whatever!
talked to him for a little while, okay until 12:30
then fell asleep..
Today♥
woke up around 5:30
got ready like usual
saw my cousin!!!1:):):):):)
came to school
Jay's not here, which worries me...but whatever..
uhm 1-9th basically sucked..
i hate my new seats in fucking math!
oh well
I'll write whenever i kill my parents
or whenever i get that keyboard;)
♥♥
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| You're barely missing me, I'm missing you.♥ |
[14 Nov 2003|04:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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mischievous |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Cute Without The 'E' ♥ Taking back sunday |
] |
[ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<fontface=times>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] <fontface=times new roman><i>♥ Well I'm at Sara's
We're just sitting here, looking for friends
we were supposed to babysit, but that isn't happening
so we deff have no friends:)
I guess having each other is good, on her part.;)
i haven't updated just because i don't have the time
we're getting our report cards soon:x
i failed gym and bio, i hate my teacher!!
and the computer's getting taken away from me for 5 weeks
BASTARDS!
but yeah, the week's been okay
today i got in a fight with jay
he yelled at me, i wanted to murder him
and then in lunch he waved to me, does he honestly have ADD
because i think i made it clear that i hated him
<small>I'm lying, I really don't hate him. But shh</small>
he doesn't even remember why we're fighting
i think it's because he has PMS maybe..
and he called me a NMW and he promised he wouldn't
there's another promise down the fucking drain.
<big>me and sara have been friends since 8th grade, she just informed me. fucking loser. </big>
ugh i don't know, we need fucking plans!
i'll write again when i don't have a life;)
♥♥♥♥ |
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| No matter what you say, I'm not afraid♥ |
[09 Nov 2003|10:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
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mellow |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Empty Apartment ♥♥ Yellowcard |
] |
Well I just woke up
and I'm already bored so i thought i'd write in this
and tell you how my "wonderful weekend has been"
friday♥
well we walked to like 4th
and then we turned around and went back to the school
and saw miss shuba and busted my brother
and then we went home
around 5:30 me and grace went to the resturant
and we ate
and then we went to real deals
then to the bookstore
and then just got picked up
came back here and hung out with mike and dj
and i faught with jay, but he's a douchebag:)
and i went to bed early..
saturday♥
woke up around 10
and just layed around
around 4 went to wal*mart
but stopped at danielles, i just had to see her
came back here and talked to her on the phone
and then got picked up
babysat until 11ish
and then came back here
RHETT CALLED ME, I MISSED HIM!!!!♥♥♥♥♥
and i called shawn
and we all talked...
then i went to bed, yessss...
Today
I don't know exactly what's going on today
But i need to do something!
i didnt do ANYTHING yesterday, it sucked!!!!!
so today's a must!!!!
Monday we have a half day
and tuesday we have no school, woohoo!
I'll write later.
♥
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